The premature vampire.

My 5-year-old self would be seriously pissed off if she could see me now. She wanted us to work in a supermarket. She longed for the day that she'd be done with boring school and could dedicate herself to swiping shower gel and broccoli across a barcode scanner and sending them tumbling down a conveyor belt. That's because she was an idiot. Not because there's anything wrong with working in a supermarket, but simply because she had no idea how lucky she was to be at school.

Six and a half hours a day with an hour for lunch and half an hour for break, that's just 5 hours face time and most of that was probably spent colouring in or catching a bean bag. Her biggest concerns were whether or not her shoes were on the right feet and why there was no Babybel in her lunchbox. (The reason there was no Babybel in her lunchbox was because she hated Babybel. Each week she'd beg her mother for a pack, eat half of one and stare disgustedly at the other half, refuse to go anywhere near the fridge until her mother had discarded the remaining offenders, then fall for their fantastic advertising campaign all over again - I told you she was an idiot - and convince her mother that she'd changed and that she really would eat the Babybel this time. Before long, Babybel was banned and she would never find it in her lunchbox again.)

Don't get me wrong, I love my job, it's really pretty awesome, but some days I just don't want to do it. Today is one of those days. I showed up at the office somewhere between 8 and 11 and stared at my to-do list for about 20 minutes (which I should probably mention is giant right now and has deadlines for today). I then discovered that I was dissatisfied with my socks so I ambled off to change them.  Once suitably socked, I spent two hours responding to three emails (not on the list) and then cooked some noodles (also not on the list). When the clock hit 5.30 I briefly celebrated the fact that it was home time and then realised that I couldn't actually go home because I had done precisely zero work. Now it was really time to knuckle down. Right after I'd checked how our Instagram post was getting on. 

Suddenly I had an overwhelming desire to be back at school again. What I wouldn't give to be sat in a classroom learning about mitochondria, or clouds! School was amazing! They taught us all sorts of interesting things and most of the time we couldn't have cared less. Immediately I had full comprehension of the saying 'youth is wasted on the young'. If I was at school now, I would spend my day being constantly fascinated and amazed. The world is incredible and the irony is that we only realise it way after our teachers have long given up trying to convince us. Ideally we should start school at around 25. Imagine how clever we'd all be? We'd be trilingual mathemagicians who could play the recorder, who believed in global warming and who could perhaps remember what they'd learnt in history class for just long enough to avoid making the same mistakes again. I set about trying to design a world in which this was possible. 

Several hours later I was doing pretty well with my New World concept but I still couldn't figure out what to do with all the kids. I'd hit a wall and I had to admit to myself, sadly, that the system was probably better off the way it was and I should turn my attention back to Lanther Black. Just as I reached for my to-do list, I spotted a tub of white face paint. 

It is twenty past ten at night and the only difference between the me now and the me of 12 hours ago is that I'm now dressed as a vampire. Absolutely nothing of any use to anybody has been achieved by me today. I'm staring at the screen of my laptop wondering how many other business owners are currently sat in their offices completely Halloween ready 5 days early. I know that tomorrow will be better, but right now it's a good job that vampires are nocturnal because I've still got a scary amount of work to do before the dawn breaks. I'm going to get started on it straight away. Right after I've checked if Sainsbury's are looking for any part-time staff.



Lanther Black

Address

3 Geary Drive, Brentwood,

Essex, CM14 4UH

Tel: 01277 549040

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