Updated: Oct 30, 2018
Starting a business is, admittedly, very exciting however… I have a few complaints. I shall start with the books. It has become increasing clear to me that the majority of books and website material on the subject of bookkeeping and accounting are utter twaddle. Not only are they filled with mistakes and written in the 16th century but they endeavour to explain even the simplest of concepts in the most ridiculous ways. Furthermore, each text repeatedly contradicts the other. I have come to the conclusion that these books and websites are not written by ‘experts’ but in fact by other business owners trying to sabotage their competition by leaving them hopelessly confused.
Next up - Natwest. If anyone from NatWest is reading this, please please pleeeaase fix up. It’s like you guys never left the 90’s. You make everything look so gloomy and dated. Life’s not that gloomy NatWest. I figuratively wanted to die when I left your branch (I also figuratively want to die when people misuse the word ‘literally’). I then figuratively wanted to die when I read through your dated little brochure. You guys need to spice things up a bit. Have you considered online dating? It’s too late for us now Natwest, we’ve gone with Santander. They were happy and colourful and they’ve given us a lovely business banking manager called Inigo. He’s Spanish. (Hola Inigo.)
And finally, the accounting firms. I like it when they put warm, smily pictures of themselves on their website. It makes you feel like you’ll gain an accountant and a friend. I dislike it when they say of themselves, ‘I have lots of friends and enjoy socialising.’ If that’s the most interesting thing you can think to say of yourself, say nothing. I don’t want an accountant that’s going to miss my tax return deadline because he was out ‘socialising’ and woke up in a field in Norfolk spooning a cow. But what I dislike more than that is laziness and deceit. I’m speaking to two particular accountancy firms in Brentwood (you’ll recognise yourselves if this is you). Are you related? You have almost IDENTICAL websites. Not only are you based in the same town (you’re in the same street!) but you used the same websmiths to create your template websites and you haven’t bothered personalising any of it! Okay, perhaps you haven’t gotten round to it (although they’ve been that way for at least a year). I could just about let you off but here’s the real deal-breaker: you are both offering a business guide “worth over £500” to any new clients. WORTH OVER £500??? Is it fuck. I downloaded it for free on the internet and it wasn’t worth the time it took me to download it. Perhaps you’re very competent and honest accountants, (I can’t comment on that, we didn’t pick you) but if you are, create a website that reflects that! Or don’t have a website at all.
That’s the end of my violent outburst. The reason I’m so irritated by this is that startups are important, they’re good for the economy and they’re good for society. All of the afore-mentioned groups should be helping people to build small businesses, not hindering them. They should be encouraging them, not putting them off completely. Do something about it. Or else face the hell fire that gushes forth from my pen. Your choice.